http://www.thekitchn.com/thekitchn/vegetarian/recipe-cheddar-and-leek-muffins-132109

PS. More posts to come, I’ve been on a hiatus for various reasons.

So life need not be this complicated. At all, actually. Yet, Bollywood movies tend to romanticize this sort of thing and make it seem like all epic love stories must have loads of misunderstanding, heartache, opposition from all sides, and pain. The love endures in the end (most ends), but the path to it has enough stress to pretty much guarantee that neither party will make it past 60. For those of us either born outside of India or outside of the culture itself, first impressions may be along the lines of the overwhelming absurdity of these Bollywood love movies (and confusion at the frequent, random spurts of song and dance in the middle of a romantic scene, with hundreds of choreographed extras, to boot). However, there is an allure to Bollywood films that stems from a sort of idealized view of love and romance that it has created in billions of minds, which plays a key role in helping us escape our day-to-day frustrations and boring lives into the realm of magical love stories. In short, such Bollywood films are our drug.

With any drug comes the initial high, the plateau, and then the crashing down in epic proportions. In this case, the high is created over and over again with the seemingly infinite scenarios that you can find love, and idealized pairings that’d probably make ridiculously good-looking offspring. The first time we see a Bollywood love triangle, and the broken-hearted heroine finally being accepted by her lover, it makes our hearts melt, and we yearn for the same emotions we felt watching that movie. After all, it’s so beautiful right? Everyone wants to be loved. But no, we want to be loved like THAT. This initial exposure is the high. Finally, we have found what ideal love is. Finally, we know what to look for in my future partner. Finally, I know that love is going conquer all…

So this brings us to the plateau. Once we are exposed to this point of view of love, we stay here for a while. We finish most days with a decent satisfaction of what we accomplished in our daily lives, but having that underlying humming of Bollywood love in our brain makes it seem like you are living life with background music. The relationships you have start off in Bollywoodesque perfection. You’re tempted to break out into song for the girl across the room at an Indian wedding, because chances are you’ll fall madly in love and overcome all challenges to live a long happy life with her as your devoted wife. Many people hold onto this perception of love for a very long time. Their life and times become a framework for dramatic interjections of every day crises. You live on in hopeful agony, waiting for the true love and soul mate that will show up and sweep you off your feet.

For the rest of us, the next step is the crash. Sure, the Bollywood thing works for a while, but then comes reality. You hope for a Shahrukh Khan playing a violin at your doorstep, coming to rescue you from your loneliness, but instead you get a guy who’s afraid of commitment and forgets your birthday. Those who have bought into the Bollywood variety of love subconsciously (or consciously) compare their own life’s love to those made up ones in stories. Obviously, it will not measure up. Act 3: The Crash. Maybe this is where I’m at, and I can’t speak for anyone else, but I’ve learned my lesson the hard way that love is a lot more about commitment, understanding, and being on the same page, than the passion and lust that it starts off with. It’s nice to watch Bollywood movies, and revel in the cute lovey dovey stuff, but it is also very important you do not get carried away in idealizing what love is because of these films. Many of these movies make people cry because “it’s so beautiful” and “oh he experienced so much pain and now they’re together”, all those happy happy joy joy tears. The only time I’ve shed a tear is the rare moment that I catch myself hoping to want that love, and in a moment’s reality check realize that it doesn’t exist. I cry for the illusion that I know will never be. Once this crash happens, it’s extremely difficult, if not impossible, to pick yourself back up to that initial high, and therefore that level of ecstasy. The key here is to understand that love is not about the fleeting emotions, but about the long-term bond and companionship that everyone needs.

So Bollywood, thanks but no thanks. Going through these stages sooner rather than later would probably do loads for your sanity. In conclusion, just like the effects of a drug, this idealized, romanticized view of love is short-lived, impairs judgement, and a total fantasy.

I want to throw rocks down a cliff and watch them shatter.

I want to hear the crackling of a campfire on a dark chilly hillside.

I want to hear the laughter of children playing with a new toy.

I want to look out into the black ocean at night and smell the salt in the air.

I want to hear the music of a traveling gypsy.

I want to hold the hand of a wise old man as he takes his last breath.

I want to dance in the street as it is raining.

I want to wipe the tears of a mother who has just lost a child.

I want to look into the eyes of the man I love and know that nothing else matters in that moment.

I want to truly understand every person I meet and why they are who they are.

I want to feel life.

While that’s happening, I’m making a brownie recipe that I found on Smitten Kitchen. (<– An amazing food blog that my friend introduced me to.. definitely worth checking out if you’re a foodie). It started off as a Cream Cheese Marbled Brownie Recipe, but I realized that I forgot to add in the flour (the flour, baking powder, salt mixture was hiding in a corner!) AFTER I poured the thing into the pan and swirled the cream cheese mixture in, so it may become more like a Cream Cheese Infused Brownie Cake-Like Thing. We’ll find out in 35 minutes…

Breaking news! Eeyore has nearly caused his human (me) to die from adorability-induced coma. See picture below.

Underneath any degree of anger in any person, you can find the root emotion, the true emotion. The deepest of sorrows. An epic sadness. And it is usually such a deep, deep sadness, one you almost cannot relate to. One you cannot help or do anything about. And the frustration of your helplessness, the mere heat of realizing you are one powerless soul who can do so little to change the course of the universe – that is the true essence of anger.

In this helpless haze, many people make rash decisions, attempting to take a hold of what is going on around them. A fruitless attempt to rid themselves of the powerlessness, usually. This, then, transforms sadness into a frustrated rage, an outlash of emotion in all forms. In reality, the anger that can be seen on the face of a three-year-old toddler whose mother refuses to buy a desired toy is the exact same anger that afflicts the face of a woman seeking revenge for the murder of her loved one. They are both helpless, frustrated, inconsolably sad, unable to find a way to remedy the situation, and in the end may resort to animal instincts, spurts of emotion, to grasp on to every last bit of power they have to coerce the universe into bending to their needs. Anger is a hurtful sadness that overcomes reason.

Anger isn’t real. I have been betrayed, hurt, and life has been less than fair to me, yet I do not get angry. I never take out my emotions on another person, and I forgive other’s angered comments or actions very easily. When someone is sad and feels helpless, and are using a defense mechanism, a shield of “anger”, the last thing you can do is walk away. Most people put up shields so someone will take them down. Walls are built around us all because we sit inside, quietly hoping, patiently waiting, for someone to come knock them down. We yell at people and get angry at them because we want them to know how helpless we feel. Many people fail to realize this, however, and these helpless people end up alone in life and lead fruitless lives due to people misunderstanding their true feelings and perpetuating their lonely sad interiors.

The only thing that can outweigh this is compassion. Compassion is the only thing that can work through the superficial emotion of anger and remedy the underlying sorrow and hurt. And maybe if that compassion spreads, less people would feel the need to put up their shield of anger to the world. Perhaps anger and hatred could be eradicated entirely, if people only understood, and reached out their hand and touched the soul of someone in need of warmth. Now, this seems as hopeless a goal as solving world hunger, you say.

Well, I say, just as solving world hunger, isn’t it worth the try?

Youth is meant to be riddled with questioning, and uncertainty, and exploration. Everyone tends to go through that phase at one point or another, and well, that phase is currently running and going strong in the life of yours truly.

But it is interesting to note how quickly some people drop out of it. And the reason they do drop out of that phase constitutes the thin line between maturity and “settling.” It is basically the difference between having a dependence on the condition of peace and stability in your life, and the less needy sentiment of simply accepting it as a part of a happy life.

Questioning, and the extreme poles of emotion that come along with that questioning, are essential in realizing your own range of potential and is the most instinctive and natural of conditions. In childhood, people carry out an unrestricted inquisition about everything, and consequently our rate of learning is the highest at that time. The happiness we experience as a child is so pure, and the quiet sadness just as. Our experiences are, on a whole, pure emotion.

As we get older, we start just accepting things and become too weary to challenge what life throws our way – some things because we have been taught through experience and time, but others because we are afraid. In that state of risk aversion, people settle. We no longer question, and when that happens some people end up with blind faith, some with no faith. Some people close themselves off from everyone, never allowing themselves to love, in fear of getting hurt or simply a fear of pure emotion. Life is taken at face value, and they live on because they must. Feeling becomes a sidenote, and the head tramples the heart.

This is hardly peace. It is stagnancy. It is ignorance, and unfortunately, its difficult, if not impossible, to leave this stage once in it. The raging fire in your heart that you’ve carried with you since childhood needs to be tamed, not extinguished, and once it’s out, it’s out.

Sure, you can’t rush yourself to quickly “feel” and “experience” and then go on and wait for peace to come around and reward you for your efforts. It will come when you’re ready, when you’re prudent enough to fully realize that the middle way, stability, clarity, enlightenment – whatever you want to call it – is what ultimately will give meaning to the life you’ve lived so far.

Who knows. Right now, I’m not going to claim I’ve patented a definition for what peace is, nor do I want peace anytime soon. I’ll find it when I reach a point in my life where I feel with my heart to find it. I like the chaos that goes on in my head at the moment. It’s a welcome entertainment whenever the world fails to deliver inspiration.

But I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s important to note that life is meant to be lived, not paused during a particularly safe point of reference. Highs and lows alike should be welcomed with open arms. Clarity only comes to those who move towards it, and in order to move you need to keep growing and learning and experiencing.

So be a kid. Ask annoying questions. Explore daring avenues. Take the driver’s seat, put it into high gear, and peace can take a back seat for a while.

Anyways, moving on from my idiocy, I can say my life flashed in front of me during those 3 minutes while I was opening windows, and I started to reflect on what I was truly grateful for in life. The year 2010 has been pretty boring. Same job, same location, no exciting developments, no more insight on life than last year. I bought a house and adopted two kittens, so I guess that’s something. After some deliberation, below are the top 10 things I was grateful for in 2010 (not my whole life, because that blog entry would turn into a novel).

10. Ke$ha

Dear Ke$ha, please bru$h your hair. Al$o, I wa$ on the fence about Top 40 mu$ic $ince 2007, and Ke$ha, your autotuned tra$h ha$ officially made my deci$ion for me. Thank you.

9. Vegetarianism

Dear veggies, ‘Twas a good 3 year run, but sushi and chicken tikka masala have voiced their beckoning call.

8. My KitchenAid stand mixer

Dear KitchenAid stand mixer, you are one of my most prized possessions. Thank you for making my life so much easier, and bringing me closer to my dream of being the Ace-ess of cupcakes. (PS. RIP $8 hand mixer from Walmart)

7. Obama

I’m not a fan of you, yes it’s true. But you gave me $8000 for buying a house, so thanks man.

6. Sarah Palin

Dear Sarah Palin, Thank you for gracing us with an entire show about your riveting life in Alaska and showcasing how amazing of a woman you are. And how obsessed you are with guns.

5. My portable heater

Dear portable heater, you have kept me warm and functional in a work environment where no one seems to flinch at 60 degrees (and I feel like I’m dying of hypothermia). Most of all, you make me feel like I’m in LA (along with my Huntington Beach desktop picture and occasional Live Beach View pulled up). I’m eternally grateful.

4. Taxes

Dear IRS, Thank you for taking taxes out of my paycheck, because otherwise I’d have bought more useless things for myself than I already did this year. (uh, violin that I haven’t touched since the week I bought it?)

3. Apple

Dear Apple, forever am I your fangirl. Please continue to make awesome things that will make my life infinitely better. Much like AirTunes. How much I love thee, AirTunes, is immeasurable. Thanks Apple for being awesome.

2. Google

Dear Google, How do you know everything? Thanks for letting me realize there are hundreds of other idiots who have the same stupid questions as I do. It boosts my self esteem, and I feel I connected with someone far away at a deep, personal level. Google Wave and Google Buzz? We won’t talk about those things. Also, play nice with Apple.

1. Universal and JK Rowling

Dear you two, I’m not going to repeat myself on the magicality of Harry Potter World , but do know you have changed my life.

–

In totally unrelated but awesome news, I found out today why ketchup in a glass bottle hates to come out. Basically, ketchup is a ‘pseudoplastic’ material, meaning it has the property of shear thinning. What does this mean? When ketchup undergoes high shear rates, the viscosity lowers, allowing the substance to flow. Shear = banging the glass bottle strategically (some say on a Heinz bottle tapping the 57 on the neck works, although tapping the bottom of the glass bottle would be more effective I personally believe because more of that energy will be realized as shear stress, yes?). Anyways, random useless fact of the day.

::cue violins::

Ok, maybe I’m being a bit melodramatic here, but you get the idea. Chocolate is freakin’ awesome. And what better excuse to ingest mountains of it, than the holidays! I personally am a Chocaholic and have no shame in admitting so. I love all types of chocolate: white, dark, milk, peanut butter, hot chocolate, truffles, chocolate milk, chocolate fudge, and just about anything else you can imagine. I try not to focus too much of my baking around chocolate because if I do, I will proceed to gain 500 pounds within a year. However, since it is Christmas, New Year’s coming up (and my birthday!), I decided to go all out this weekend. Below are two recipes that you will thoroughly enjoy if you even remotely identify with my Chocaholic tendencies

Chocolate Mousse Cupcakes

This recipe is from one of my FAVORITE cupcake books, called ‘Cupcakes Galore’ by Gail Wagman. She has some amazing recipes, for both really simple and well-known cupcakes, as well as some really out there concoctions. I love this recipe because it doesn’t take itself too seriously. It’s a simple chocolate cupcake, with chocolate frosting, and it’s just plain yummy!

Ingredients (12 cupcakes)

4 tbs all-purpose flour

2 1/2 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp salt

10 oz dark chocolate

2 sticks unsalted butter

6 eggs, separate eggs and yolks

1 cup sugar

optional: grated chocolate for decoration

Preparation:

1. Preheat the oven to 350.

2. Mix flour, baking powder, and salt together. Set aside.

3. Melt the chocolate and butter in a double boiler or microwave ( I used a microwave because it is so much easier). Be sure not to over cook.

4. Beat egg yolks and sugar until yellow and fluffy. Beat in melted chocolate mixture and blend well.

5. Beat egg whites with a pinch of salt until stiff. Fold into chocolate mixture. Divide the mixture into two. Put one half in refrigerator (this is the frosting! that was easy right?)

6. Add flour mixture into the other half of the mixture. Mix well.

7. Fill cupcake liners about halfway (I prefer to fill them slightly below halfway to create a bit more room for the frosting!)

8. Bake for 15-20 minutes until moist in the center. The worst thing you can do with this recipe is overcook!

9. Cool and frost!

Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate

This was inspired by Starbucks’ amazing Salted Caramel Signature Hot Chocolate. With some experimentation, I think I’ve come up with a worthy adversary (though nothing beats the original obviously).

Ingredients (1 serving)

1/2 cup milk

1/2 cup heavy cream

2 tbs unsweetened cocoa powder

2 tbs sugar

sea salt

caramel syrup/sauce

marshmallows

whipped cream

Preparation:

1. Heat milk and cream on the stove.

2. Add in cocoa powder and sugar. Mix well and allow it to come to a near-boil.

3. Add a drizzle of caramel, as well as a dash of sea salt.

4. While mixture is heating, coat the inside of a mug with melted caramel sauce.

5. Pour in the hot chocolate, sprinkle sea salt on top. Add marshmallows and top with whipped cream.

Baked Pastry Samosas

Note: Those are not my samosas pictured above. I found it on Google Images.

Ingredients:

1 packet of pre-made pastry sheets (Pepperidge Farm Puff Pastry sheets work best for me)

2 medium white potato, diced into quarter inch cubes

1 medium white onion, finely chopped

2 Green chilies, very finely chopped

2 tbsp garam masala (can be found in most Indian grocery stores and even some local ones)

1 Tspn turmeric powder

1 clove of garlic, finely chopped

Salt, to taste

Red chilli powder, to taste

4 tbsp vegetable oil

Making the filling:

1. Heat the vegetable oil on medium heat in a frying pan. Lower the heat, and add the diced onions and a dash of salt. Stir until the onions are golden colored.
2. Add the green chilies and chopped garlic. Mix well with the onions.
3. Next, add the potato cubes and all the spices, including between 1 and 5 tsp of red chilli powder (depending on how spicy you want it!), and about a tbsp of salt.
4. Mix all the ingredients until they combine and the potatoes and onions are coated will with the spices. Lower the heat to low, and continue mixing the ingredients fortr about 5 minutes. Do NOT stop mixing.

Preparing the samosa:

1. Preheat the oven to about 400 F
2. Cut the puff pastry sheet into about 5 inch squares (they may already be pre-cut into squares so just keep it as is, if that is the case).
3. Wet your fingertips slightly, and roll about a spoon of the filling into a ball. Place the filling ball into the center of the pastry square.
4. Fold the square so that it becomes a triangle, making sure the filling does not spill out. If it does, take some filling out.
5. With wet fingertips, push the folded edges of the samosa together (Do NOT touch the middle of the samosa, or the pastry might break). Use a fork and press down along the folded edges to seal the samosa and to give it a fancy touch.
6. Place the samosas in the oven on a baking sheet for about half an hour, or until the pastry shells are golden brown. Cooking times will vary based on your oven.
7. Makes 12 samosas. Can be eaten on its own or with tamarind chutney (buy it at an Indian store/restaurant or a great recipe here: http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Sweet-Tamarind-Chutney-230495)
8. Enjoy, and repeat recipe as necessary!

So how exactly do I do this? I love pushing the edge of what I am expected/allowed to do. Simple example. Being on time. Some people are late because they manage time poorly, others because they try to cram to much into their schedule as overacheivers. Still others are late because they’re overly optimistic about how fast they can do something, or how glitch-free their tasks will be. Me? No, I ride the border between a late that is accepted and a late that is almost rude. I don’t mean to be rude at all, but I want to see how long I can push the limits and how much I can get away with. It’s a game I play with myself. ‘I’m doing well right now so let me turn it all to shit and see if I can get back here again.” Stagnation is the most boring and annoying part of life. You reach a plateau, where for the time being at least, you cannot move further up or forward. So do I choose to sustain that plateau? Even the thought of staying in one place without movement irks me to hell. Maybe I have life ADD, but once I achieve something, boom, it’s done, give me the next challenge. When that challenge is not always there waiting for me, I make do with what I have. And sometimes that requires breaking down what I’ve already achieved just to have the additional challenge of building it up again.

I’m not going to say this is the best strategy or that I’m some crazy genius in life who cannot survive without challenge (nor am I saying that life doesn’t challenge me). I just like to do it on my own terms. If the end result is the same, why would you not strive to have some fun in life? It’s gotten me into trouble in the past, with people questioning my nontraditional path to reach the same end goal. I’m going to get off the soap box in just a second here, but while I’m up here, let me relate this to a graphical analogy. Those who follow “logistic growth” in terms of their achievements in life appear to be doing great and growing fast until the slope of their growth starts to flatten out, steady state. Growth is still there, but it slows significantly as you move forward. I, on the other hand, pursue a more zig zag approach, with each zag landing me slightly higher than the previous zag. In the end, my zag will have reached the height of the logistic growth people’s graph, but I will have traveled more. And that distance that I traveled will have exposed me to far more situations, emotions, conflicts, thoughts, people, self discovery than a traditional route.

I guess what I’m trying to say in that jumbled mess is that the path of least resistance, of just a sustained smooth curve upward is easy to do. The hard thing is to grab yourself from that path, throw yourself down, expose yourself to situations and people in life where you’ll be thrown down, and then head back up with increased vigor. Sharp edges, steep falls, and hard climbs await you, but in the end you’ll have reached the top of the mountain with a far greater appreciation for your achievements, your life, and yourself.